depth of understanding

Depth of Understanding

My last post was a vulnerable leap for me. There are some people who think I’m rushing into dating too fast after what I’ve been through. I get “be careful’s” and cautions.

Reaching a Point of Acceptance

I honestly had no intention of moving into another relationship for another 2-3 years. I had reached a place where I felt content with myself, and could see the compensating blessings all around me. I had this amazing feeling June 29th that I had everything I needed and would always have everything I needed — whether I ever had another romantic relationship or not.

The law of compensating blessings taught me this. Nothing is ever created or destroyed. When we “lose” anything or anyone, all the characteristics we value are brought to us in another form and usually from multiple places. Nothing is lost. When we finally gratefully see that we have everything we need, we open ourselves up to receiving our heart’s desires.

While I was content where I was, God seemed to have very different plans. I have never had anything in my life feel so divinely orchestrated than the events of the last few months.

The Last Remnants of Grief

As I’ve moved forward in this new relationship, I have swung between really embracing the relationship to feeling like I need to maintain a level of skepticism.

Today, during an energy session with Christie Turley Diamond (TheHealingCoach), she was able to articulate why I’m in this connect-disconnect dance.

She verified that I’ve worked through an immense amount of grief. There remained only one small thing — a nagging question. “Why did my last relationship have to go to the level of betrayal that it did?  Had I been more aware, could I have avoided the deep betrayal?” (Betrayal in this instance being denial of love … not an affair that I know of.)

Because “betrayal without explanation” was hanging out there, I’ve felt the need to be hyper vigilant, ask the tough questions, and look at the upsides and downsides of everything. Seems like a smart thing to do – right? I’ll be honest though, it sucks some of the joy out of falling in love, but at least I feel like I’m keeping my head on straight.

A Healthy Realism

There are so many wonderful things about the man I’m dating, I could gush on and on about him. But I know when I do that, people are going to say, “You’re rebounding. You’re infatuated and seeing what you want to see and not looking at all aspects.”

But I am looking at all aspects. I’m seeking out the shadows and the challenges, making sure I’m seeing realistically. This realistic and balanced perspective is the elixir I returned with after going through The Breakthrough Experience and healing from the simultaneous blows of a divorce and my mother’s death.

God sent me on a speed course of healing and now I’m beginning to understand why.

Duality: Blessings and Challenges

As I get to know this man, I realize that some of the things that I love best about him can be challenges. I love that he is talkative, animated and passionate about life. I love that he can bring me out of my introversion. Yet, sometimes that is a challenge for me as an introvert.

Sometimes I have a deep need to disconnect and process. But, this challenge of conversation is WORTH IT. It pays incredible dividends I’ve never enjoyed with anyone else. Those dividends include deep connection, honesty, vulnerability, understanding and trust.

I have always wanted a deep connection with a partner. This “challenge” is part of what makes it possible.  Depth of connection is worth the corresponding challenge. It’s similar to how everything I went through this year was worth it to come to a deeper understanding of compensating blessings and divine love.

Owning My Depth

I’m finally owning that I’m an incredibly deep person, and that I can never reach the full measure of my creation with someone who cannot go to those depths with me. Christi put it this way today,

“You have a deeper level of understanding than most people. It’s like most people go 5 levels deep and you go 15-20 levels. The men you’ve been with before can only go about 5 levels. The Lord is providing someone who can go 15-20 levels with you because you’ll now show the world how to do that with another person. The Lord will provide a way for that to be… so you are equally matched.

The more you reveal those levels, the more influence you will be able to have in the world. The books you’ve written are great and wonderful. Now that you have the masculine support and give yourself permission to go 15-20 levels, your writing will show the depth. Your influence will be higher and greater. The numbers of people you impact will be greater.”

There is a law of opposition, or polarity at work in the world. Everything we highly value has a corresponding challenge. Most of us only see with one-sided glasses. I’m finding it’s best to realistically see both sides and then I can easily decide if the blessing is worth the challenge. In everything I’ve seen so far with this man, the benefits are worth the corresponding challenges.

healing journey

Each Person’s Healing Journey Is Unique

There are examples in scripture of people with accelerated healing or conversion experiences. We see the Saul/Paul conversion. There’s the many healing miracles of Jesus Christ. These expedited and intense healing journeys are not designed to make people feel bad whose healing takes years or a lifetime. They aren’t designed to make people feel like if they don’t receive speedy transformation that they lack faith or aren’t good enough. They aren’t there to make us compare and feel less than.

They happen to show the power of God and bring glory to Him. They are there to give clues about the healing process and the elements of it.

I am fully aware that I am going through some kind of intense, expedited healing process. It certainly isn’t normal and it’s not because I’m some kind of perfect spiritual giant. It simply is an opportunity to bring glory to the ONE who is doing this in my life. This is not me. It’s God and for some reason He’s in a hurry with what He wants me to learn.

I have no idea why I got picked for this journey or why God is working His miracles in my life. I only know that I cannot remain silent about what He is doing or what He is teaching me. I can’t speak to what will happen in your life or anyone else’s. My experiences are mine and they are mine to interpret. Yours are yours and are ideally suited to you and your spiritual growth.

Fast But Not So Fast

I had a MAJOR epiphany today about my life and the journey I’ve been on. It might look like I’m healing a bunch in the last 2.5 months from recent tragedies. It might look like everything is falling miraculously into place (which it is to a large degree). But my healing journey has spanned my lifetime.

I’m finally seeing how things that happened as a child set in motion patterns and cycles. My brain/subconscious has weaved together a complex set of life circumstances to bring me to these most recent challenges. My brain has been on a quest to find a solution to a dynamic that perplexed me as a child.

Today, I finally feel like I GET IT. The solution is so abundantly clear to me. In fact what looks like a dismal failure is probably my most glorious success.

I now see what I’ve been doing and how I’ve actually resolved at least two of these major patterns. I think I can FINALLY let them go. Time will tell. But, man, this has been a long, long, road, and what I’ve been seeing and what you’ve been seeing is just a final wrap up of a very long, arduous journey.

So the next time you see someone achieve some big success or create some remarkable quick breakthrough, don’t be so quick to think, “Wow, why do they get off so easy and my challenges take forever?” There’s a lot we don’t see in other people’s lives or even our own lives.

All of it is one big tapestry, weaving together to teach us what we’re here to learn and mold us into the person God knows we can be.

I hope if you gain nothing else from whatever I share it is that God is there for you. He loves you. You matter to Him and He can and will heal your heart in his perfect timing. You don’t have to stay in bitterness and resentment. Surrender to Him and let him work his wonder in your life in a way that is ideally suited to you. Each of us is different and we have our own journeys. May God bless you on yours.

Are you ready to release the past and move forward unencumbered?

Divorce: What Marketing Taught Me About Incompatibility

This morning I was wondering about what aspects of me my husband did love. He had to have loved something at some point and probably still does. His family said they’d never seen him as happy as he’d been with me. Even they were flabbergasted at his decision to cut me off from one day to the next.

When I started thinking of my attributes that probably annoyed or bored him, I had this compulsion to ask him what he DID love about me.

Then I stepped back and my “marketer brain” kicked in and said,

“Who cares? He’s not your target market. Would you research the likes and dislikes of an audience you aren’t trying to reach? No! Who cares?”

What he loved or hated about me is irrelevant. Another man … the right man … could love me for the very same things that my husband hated.

While I am acutely aware of my flaws, I do not believe this situation is about either of our flaws. It’s about who I am as a person and who he is as a person.

He knows this and that’s why he said it’s not anything I did or haven’t done… that he doesn’t want me to change and I shouldn’t change for anyone. The only clue he gave was that I’m so smart and he doesn’t get what I do. Hey, I don’t get how to wire the electricity in a house either, not sure how job descriptions and skillsets really matter here.

I believe this is about a miss-match in people, in values, in objectives, desired destinations, security levels, confidence, relationship with God, personalities, etc.

He is not my target market and I’m not his. He just admitted it first. He did me a favor. I’m so danged tenacious I was finding a way to make it work from my end; and it wouldn’t have served me in the long run.

Bottom line… he did not want to go where I’m going.

I would have fought to the bitter end for us, if he had not handled it in the abrupt, alien-like way he did. Even I have my limits.

  • When someone rips your heart out when you’re pleading for compassion because your mother is dying…
  • When he wants you to sign papers before she’s cold in the grave, and
  • immediately locks you out of your house while you’re caring for your elderly father…

Yeah, I’m done. Three strikes, you’re out. I get the message. Go away, buddy… happy to be rid of you.

A friend posted this quote on Facebook:

“A relationship ending between two people is the result of the two people no longer being on the same frequency. When frequencies of people no longer match, the law of attraction automatically responds by moving them apart. Frequency change is growth, growth is life, and life is good” – Rhonda Byrne

Onward and upward!


The Embarrassment and Humiliation of Rejection

One of the waves of emotion that washes over me, perhaps once or twice a day is embarrassment and humiliation. It comes unbidden, uninvited, without warning — a sick, nauseated feeling in the pit of my stomach that spreads out all through my chest, shoulders and arms in a wash of anxiety. It’s a hammering reminder that I was so stupid to believe I had something beautiful when it was all just a lie.

I feel like a fool for having bragged on, believed in, loved and given my all to someone who was just acting as if he loved me too. I’ll be glad when that wave doesn’t crash over me anymore. It’s ebbing… it isn’t as frequent, but I’m ready for it to be gone completely.

Yes, logically I know this isn’t the case. I know that there is value in loving. I posted something about this on my personal Facebook wall. I had people telling me I shouldn’t feel that way, explaining logically why the opposite was true. I also had someone tell me to turn it around and look at it with gratitude that I had loved unconditionally. Yes, I am doing that.

You Can’t Reason With Emotion

All of this I intellectually know. I really don’t need anyone to tell me the logic of why I shouldn’t feel embarrassed. But emotions are not logical and you do not deal with them with the logical mind.

The waves of embarrassing emotion are not coming because I’m “thinking wrong” at the time. They come out of nowhere and I think they are just wanting to be felt and acknowledged.

I’ll be curious to see if they abate now that I’ve verbalized them publicly. For me, acknowledging the emotions and releasing the shame around them by verbalizing them tends to make the emotions process on through. Telling them something else is true instead doesn’t usually do it for me… at least not that alone.

I’m beginning to question whether all this “positive thinking” psychology hasn’t done some damage to us as a society … where we believe that “negative” emotions are somehow invalid or dangerous. So we feel the need to flip them around all the time. And when that isn’t successful, we have an an entire population on anti-depressants and Prozac because we don’t know how to adequately feel and process our emotions.

I’m not saying we need to wallow in emotions nor that you shouldn’t use various techniques such as EFT or energy therapy to deal with it. But I believe those feelings must be experienced on some level and acknowledged for what they are before we can successfully release them.


What I Learned About Me Through Rejection

My dad has patiently listened to me analyze the crap out of my marriage. Finally today he said,

“You need to stop looking for something you did wrong. You’re probably never going to understand what happened. He probably doesn’t even know what happened.”

I have always had this belief that no matter what I go through, it was worth it if I can learn from it. I keep thinking there is something here I need to learn and avoid in the future. But I don’t think there really is anything in here to learn about relationships.

Maybe the only things to learn are some things about ME. Not anything I did “wrong” but that I should never settle — even if I feel like God is telling me to settle. Cause He probably wasn’t. He probably just needed me to run an errand that would teach me something about myself and give one of his sons an opportunity to choose happiness and to choose HIM.

In the process, I learned that I have an incredible ability to love, to look for the good, to believe in another person, to live in the moment and find the beauty there.

I learned a lot of really beautiful things about myself, and I fully believe that God has something truly beautiful in store for me that won’t require me to settle in any form or fashion.

Alien Who Ate My Heart

The Alien Who Ate My Heart

You said you loved me.
That no woman had ever treated you right.
That what you wanted, what you needed
Was a good woman like me
So you could live in love and harmony.

I asked God if I should marry you.
The divine love that filled my heart
Could never be denied.
Nor the words that entered my mind,
“This man will love you like you’ve never been loved before.”

When you persuaded and pursued,
I finally agreed to grant you access, and
I let down the fortifications of my heart.
I trusted God. I trusted you.
I chose to love. For love is a choice.

I gave you peace.
I saw only the good
and showered you with respect.
I lived in gratitude and acknowledgement
For every small thing you did or said.

We walked side-by-side along the road
Hand in hand, I came to trust.
I became the divine love that I was promised.
I felt more love for you than I had ever known.
Your happiness, your comfort became my wish.

Yet while my love was growing,
I now see that yours was dying.
You stopped noticing my feelings.
Your empathy fled
And when I needed you most you were dead.

I came to you as I watched my mother dying
Slowly, painfully before my eyes.
I begged you to help me through —
To comfort me in my loss. To be my lover and friend.
But now an alien possessed you instead.

Its unfeeling answer came like a dagger to my heart.
“I don’t feel anything for you anymore.
It’s gone and never coming back.
I will not try for one fleeting second.
I am done with you, done with us.”

Without warning the alien scooped my heart
out with a spoon and ate it for dessert.
In shock, my gaze fell to the gaping hole
Then watched my blood drip from the alien’s lips.
You were gone and a robotic monster remained.

How does one respond when an alien eats your heart?
A million questions but no reasonable answers.
“It’s not you. It’s me. I’m done.”
The love that had nourished me was gone.
And I gasped — parched and dying…

Our marriage withered before my eyes
Like my mother’s wilting body.
Now she is home and I am here.
My fingers trace the remnant pieces of my heart
The alien left drizzled on the floor.

There’s no putting it back
Into my chest’s empty cavity.
To even try would be hopeless.
There is no method or means
Only one answer is clear.

It doesn’t go back.
I let go of the useless mush.
I grow a brand new heart.
One that never loved you.
One that never knew you.

Perhaps my new heart will know better
How to protect itself from aliens.
Maybe it will know when to trust and when to run.
I feel it swelling, forming now
From the divine love my mother left behind.

As her heartbeat ebbed, she left me one last gift —
An eternal love that can never dim
And grows brighter with each new day.
Its light fills my soul and grows a more resilient,
Empathetic heart than I ever had before.

The mother who grew my first heart in her womb
Now grows a new one with God above.

feel your feelings

Sometimes You Just Have to Feel Your Feelings

People tell me I should look on the bright side. That I’m better off without him. That he isn’t the one who is supposed to travel the next section of my life with me. Yes, I get that. I “know” a lot of things. I know I will forgive and move past this to a better place. I know I’m not alone.

But, at present, I feel a lot of hurt, anger, confusion and frustration. I’m really trying not to stuff those or let them rule my life. And I trust that one day soon I will let them go and be able to permanently release them.

But stuffing them somewhere and pretending that it’s all okay is not going to serve me or my body. That’s how people get sick. There’s a book called “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.” And that is so true. Feelings have to be acknowledged, processed and released.

When everything is raw and real, what I KNOW and what I FEEL are two different things. I already realize I’m better off. I have a good idea about the big picture and why it had to be this way.

It’s just processing the loss of someone I loved completely (who turned on me like a cold, calculating cucumber) is harder than processing my mom’s passing. I can look back with fond memories on my mom and cry and feel all the feelings.

With the other situation I do not want to remember anything. And when I do, every sweet memory now becomes tainted and suspect. Or it hurts too bad to even remember it.

I swing back and forth between hurt and anger to forgiveness and releasing. Sometimes I even feel sorry for him and wish him well. But absorbing the memories, knowing where to put them… I just don’t know what to do with those. So I don’t look at them. The last 2 years feel like they’ve been stolen from me because I don’t know how to review or file those memories.

This is where I am today… when the wound is still bleeding. I’m sure it will change next week, next month, next year and beyond. I’m sure this won’t matter a bit to me with time. But right now it hurts.

And I can tell you one thing, I won’t ever be so quick to tell someone who is suffering to think positive or that everything’s going to be all right or offer some sugar-coated platitude. I realize now how naive I’ve been and how much I really didn’t understand what other people were going through.

This new level of empathy is the gift I will take with me and I hope it will help me be more kind, loving and compassionate to those around me.

starting over again

Healing Through Writing

Writing is very cathartic for me as you can tell from my posts. It probably seems weird that I’m posting so much of my personal path through pain, but people are telling me they are benefiting  from my raw vulnerability. And if this mess I’m going through can help someone process their own pain, then there’s some meaning in the madness for me.

I’m aware that some people might not like what I’m saying. It might make them uncomfortable and some people may see me as mistaken in the way I’m handling things. That’s ok. They have every right to feel the way they do.

These posts aren’t for them. To be honest, they’re for me. They aren’t some cry for help from the public. It’s just how I process, and hopefully these posts are for someone out there who needs to know that their voice matters, that they aren’t alone, that there is hope even when crap happens.

I’m doing the best I can where I’m at. And that’s all you can do when you travel through hard times. I think the victory will be when I can keep reaching for God and keep getting back on my feet again.

I don’t feel God is leading me so much to a destination as to the person I’m becoming. I’m trusting that person is a daughter He can be proud of.