Love / Rejection

peace in a relationship

Working for Peace in a Romantic Relationship

I’ve always considered myself an easy going, low maintenance person. I get along with most people and I’ve wanted to keep the peace. I do have my opinions on some things. While I’ll listen to other views and sometimes adjust mine, I can be insistent on things that are key values for me. Yes, I’m strong-willed and can be stubborn on things that really matter to me.

I’m in a relationship with a man with a strong personality, opinions and values of his own. About 90 percent of the time we’re having these great conversations where we build off what each other has to say to new understanding and epiphanies about emotional, spiritual, intellectual and business topics.

As we spend more time together, we run into the other 10 percent where we don’t immediately see eye to eye and we butt heads or something rubs us the wrong way about the other person’s personality, or way of processing emotions.

And then we stop and discuss that, really share how each of us is feeling, what’s coming up for us, what we feel is going on. It’s raw, vulnerable and totally honest.

We respect each other’s views and feelings, and eventually we come to this place of rich understanding and deeper place of connection and love. It’s not one person caving or compromising. It’s creating mutual understanding and win-win solutions.

It’s work, hard work, but it’s incredibly rewarding. It pays off with the deepest love and connection I’ve ever known.

I think back on my last marriage where there wasn’t a single argument. Maybe a difference of opinion, but not one that went into a conversation that worked through deep concerns.

I thought I was in a peaceful, loving relationship. He obviously had something that was festering beneath the surface unspoken. 18 months in, one Saturday morning he was done… without explanation, without a chance to work anything through, without an opportunity to clarify or create understanding or a deeper love. Maybe I wasn’t so “low-maintenance” and easy to get along with as I thought I was. I’ll never know.

I’d rather have the relationship that is alive and brings up the occasional issue or emotion that is worked through together, than constant “peace” that is merely an illusion.

I’m 51 years old and I feel like I’m finally learning to communicate. Not because I’ve figured it out, but because I’m with a man with incredible communication skills. And there is something about “us”… these two independent, head strong, amazing people… that makes mediocrity and “settling for good enough” impossible.

I’m finally with someone who feels like a partner in the adventure, a companion on the mission God is calling us on together. We’re both open to wherever God chooses to lead. I’ve never been with a man who is so quick to fall to his knees, and invite me to join him in seeking God’s input or express gratitude.

This level of collaboration with each other and with God takes two people who are willing to put Him first and willing to have the tough conversations to create 100% unity, trust and honesty.

I’m discovering that peace at any price is not peace. True peace comes when both parties are willing to pay the price to respectfully create understanding.

I’ve got a lot to learn, and I’m grateful to have an amazing man in my life to learn it with. It’s not anything I could ever learn as a single woman… which is what I had full intention of being for several more years. God had other plans

suddenly

Suddenly Life Has New Meaning to Me

I just remembered that Monday would have been my two year wedding anniversary. I didn’t think of it or the man at all. I think that’s a good sign that my healing is substantially complete and I’m on to brighter days.

Most likely it happened because I’m dating a man who completely obliterates all other men from my memory.

While looking up music today, I ran across this beautiful rendition of this 80’s favorite, Billy Ocean’s, “Suddenly.”

Seems to fit this relationship that came out of nowhere when I least expected it.

Lyrics to Billy Ocean’s Suddenly

I used to think that love was just a fairy tale
Until that first hello until that first smile
But if I had to do it all again I wouldn’t change a thing
Cause this love is everlasting

Suddenly life has new meaning to me
There’s beauty up above and things we never take notice of
You wake up suddenly you’re in love

Girl you’re everything a man could want and more
One thousand words are not enough to say what I feel inside
Holding hands as we walk along the shore
Never felt like this before now you’re all I’m living for

Each day I pray this love affair would last forever

There’s beauty up above and things you never take notice of
You wake and suddenly you’re in love

Written by Maurice Ernest Gibb, Robin Hugh Gibb, Barry Alan Gibb

 

Featured Photo Copyright: Marta_Photo/BigStockPhoto.com

depth of understanding

Depth of Understanding

My last post was a vulnerable leap for me. There are some people who think I’m rushing into dating too fast after what I’ve been through. I get “be careful’s” and cautions.

Reaching a Point of Acceptance

I honestly had no intention of moving into another relationship for another 2-3 years. I had reached a place where I felt content with myself, and could see the compensating blessings all around me. I had this amazing feeling June 29th that I had everything I needed and would always have everything I needed — whether I ever had another romantic relationship or not.

The law of compensating blessings taught me this. Nothing is ever created or destroyed. When we “lose” anything or anyone, all the characteristics we value are brought to us in another form and usually from multiple places. Nothing is lost. When we finally gratefully see that we have everything we need, we open ourselves up to receiving our heart’s desires.

While I was content where I was, God seemed to have very different plans. I have never had anything in my life feel so divinely orchestrated than the events of the last few months.

The Last Remnants of Grief

As I’ve moved forward in this new relationship, I have swung between really embracing the relationship to feeling like I need to maintain a level of skepticism.

Today, during an energy session with Christie Turley Diamond (TheHealingCoach), she was able to articulate why I’m in this connect-disconnect dance.

She verified that I’ve worked through an immense amount of grief. There remained only one small thing — a nagging question. “Why did my last relationship have to go to the level of betrayal that it did?  Had I been more aware, could I have avoided the deep betrayal?” (Betrayal in this instance being denial of love … not an affair that I know of.)

Because “betrayal without explanation” was hanging out there, I’ve felt the need to be hyper vigilant, ask the tough questions, and look at the upsides and downsides of everything. Seems like a smart thing to do – right? I’ll be honest though, it sucks some of the joy out of falling in love, but at least I feel like I’m keeping my head on straight.

A Healthy Realism

There are so many wonderful things about the man I’m dating, I could gush on and on about him. But I know when I do that, people are going to say, “You’re rebounding. You’re infatuated and seeing what you want to see and not looking at all aspects.”

But I am looking at all aspects. I’m seeking out the shadows and the challenges, making sure I’m seeing realistically. This realistic and balanced perspective is the elixir I returned with after going through The Breakthrough Experience and healing from the simultaneous blows of a divorce and my mother’s death.

God sent me on a speed course of healing and now I’m beginning to understand why.

Duality: Blessings and Challenges

As I get to know this man, I realize that some of the things that I love best about him can be challenges. I love that he is talkative, animated and passionate about life. I love that he can bring me out of my introversion. Yet, sometimes that is a challenge for me as an introvert.

Sometimes I have a deep need to disconnect and process. But, this challenge of conversation is WORTH IT. It pays incredible dividends I’ve never enjoyed with anyone else. Those dividends include deep connection, honesty, vulnerability, understanding and trust.

I have always wanted a deep connection with a partner. This “challenge” is part of what makes it possible.  Depth of connection is worth the corresponding challenge. It’s similar to how everything I went through this year was worth it to come to a deeper understanding of compensating blessings and divine love.

Owning My Depth

I’m finally owning that I’m an incredibly deep person, and that I can never reach the full measure of my creation with someone who cannot go to those depths with me. Christi put it this way today,

“You have a deeper level of understanding than most people. It’s like most people go 5 levels deep and you go 15-20 levels. The men you’ve been with before can only go about 5 levels. The Lord is providing someone who can go 15-20 levels with you because you’ll now show the world how to do that with another person. The Lord will provide a way for that to be… so you are equally matched.

The more you reveal those levels, the more influence you will be able to have in the world. The books you’ve written are great and wonderful. Now that you have the masculine support and give yourself permission to go 15-20 levels, your writing will show the depth. Your influence will be higher and greater. The numbers of people you impact will be greater.”

There is a law of opposition, or polarity at work in the world. Everything we highly value has a corresponding challenge. Most of us only see with one-sided glasses. I’m finding it’s best to realistically see both sides and then I can easily decide if the blessing is worth the challenge. In everything I’ve seen so far with this man, the benefits are worth the corresponding challenges.

Sad Goodbyes

My heart breaks
As my son holds his son
Saying goodbye to the cherub we love.
He will grow inches and feet
Without his father beside him.
Tears for the memories that will never be
The goodnight kisses
The warm little hugs
The nighttime baths
The rowdy little feet
The sleep unobserved
The bubbles unpopped
Birthdays uncelebrated.
Where does one place the pain
Of a relentlessly breaking heart?

#HealingMyHeart

The Shack Movie - walk on water

The Shack Movie: Walk on Water

I watched The Shack movie Saturday for the first time. I’ve never read the book. There was a scene in the movie where Jesus suggests the main character, Mack, take Jesus’ boat out on the lake and fish if he’d like.
 
Mack goes alone and then some dark memories from an incident on the lake start to overtake him. Suddenly the water turns black and gross. His boat starts to break apart and sink. Just when he’s starting to panic, sure he’ll have to swim in this blackness, Jesus appears and tells Mack to look at him.
 
Mack asks, “Why are you doing this to me?”

Jesus says he’s not doing it to him, that it’s all inside of Mack – that it can’t hurt him, that it’s not real and to look at Him.

Mack insists, “You told me to come out here!”
 
Finally Mack looks at Jesus. The boat is fixed and the blackness goes away. All is calm and still. Jesus takes Mack out on the water and they walk across the lake together. A little later, Jesus and Mack have a wonderful foot race across the lake.
 
I’ve pondered on this scene a lot since watching the movie. I knew it held an important message for me. First, I could see where the “void” my husband said he felt inside himself was caused by his own fears, insecurities and resentments. His inner storm destroyed our marriage.
 
There were no real problems. They were all inside him.
 
Then, yesterday I realized there was a message for me in this scene. While, yes, it might apply to my husband’s choices, it also told me something important about mine.
 
I felt very strongly that God told me to marry my second husband. I cannot deny the overwhelming divine download of love that came to me after praying for 24 days about whether to open my heart to him.
 
I have been like Mack at times since our breakup, “Why did you do this to me? You told me to come out here! You caused this!”
 
Yes, God did tell me to come out here… out in the middle of the lake where my husband’s inner doubts, fears, insecurities and harbored resentments would sink the ship of our marriage. And, yes God knew all along it would happen. He did not cause it to happen, but He knew it would.
 
That’s okay, because Christ is here and something beautiful is coming from it. Would Mack have ever walked on water if he hadn’t learned to keep his eyes on Christ in his darkest moment? Would he later race across the water, running alongside Jesus to the other side? I think not.
 
Out of the sinking ship of my marriage, my trust in Jesus Christ has grown to a level it has never reached before. My eyes are fixed on Him and I feel like we’re walking on water together.
 
I look forward to that footrace across the lake with Him. I can’t wait to see where it leads.
If you get a chance to see The Shack, I really enjoyed it. I hope you will too.
getting over a breakup

Getting Over a Breakup: A Poem at Parting

Getting over a breakup can be incredibly painful if you weren’t the one who initiated it. One of the most perplexing challenges for me has been knowing where to put the memories and the love.

Everything that once felt so beautiful and good, suddenly became tainted, suspect and/or painful. As I’ve begun to embrace the concepts of divine love, I’m realizing I can still celebrate the love we shared without the associated pain.

Yesterday, as I drove away from my husband and the home we shared for the final time, I felt a single tear on my cheek. I wasn’t even thinking sad thoughts. It just appeared.

As I was about to arrive at my destination, this poem began to form in my mind. After parking outside my sister’s house, I sat in the car for a few minutes while everyone else went inside, and finished it. I think it does a good job of summing up how I felt at this juncture and how I’m getting over a breakup.

Take this tear from my cheek
That slips unbidden from my eyes.
Proof of my love it does speak.
Heaven, capture it in a bottle for me.

Yes, I knew you once.
I spent nights in your arms.
Felt the beat of your heart against mine.
This drop proves there are ties that do bind.

I bid you farewell now
My lover and friend.
A place in my heart
you will have to the end.

I’m not looking back
In pain anymore.
Now I celebrate the love
I was blessed to explore.

I leave you to your path
As I take mine.
I’ll carry this love inside,
And share it with another in time.

Marnie Pehrson, June 4, 2017

If you need help letting go of the past and moving past a breakup, a divorce or a major loss, hop on my calendar for a free 20-minute strategy session.

letting go

Moving On Isn’t The Same As Letting Go

If you’re in a relationship with someone new and you’re still hanging onto someone from your past, don’t think it won’t bleed through and kill the relationship you’re in. Letting go is critical, and moving on isn’t letting go.

I was listening to this song today, and it hit home. It verbalizes one of the key reasons for my marriage ending. If you want to have a happy relationship, you have to let those old flames go — even the ones you despise. One of THE best ways to do that is to read Dr. John Demartini’s “The Breakthrough Experience.”

Are you ready to release the past and move forward unencumbered?

One Thing She’ll Never Know

Josh Krajcik

She knows how to make me happy, how to make me laugh
She knows that she’s my future
She knows about my past
She knows when I’m weak
I’ll never ask for help
She knows what I believe in, even though I doubt myself
And when she asks, I always tell the truth
Except when it comes to you
Even though I fight it

Sometimes, I still wake up
Forget I’m living my life without you
But she’s here, and I love her
So why am I still thinking bout you
Maybe moving on ain’t the same as letting go
But that’s One Thing She’ll Never Know
She knows I’m far from perfect

She knows I’m proud
She knows when something’s wrong
Even if she don’t say it out loud
Knows that I’m faithful
Knows I don’t lie
But you wanna keep a good woman
Some things you gotta hide
And when she asks, I always tell the truth
Except when it comes to you
Even though I fight it

Sometimes, I still wake up
Forget I’m living my life without you
But she’s here, and I love her
So why am I still thinking ’bout you
Maybe moving on ain’t the same as letting go
But that’s One Thing She’ll Never Know

I don’t wanna cause a pain you don’t deserve
So I won’t speak tonight, if it’s gonna take me away from her
Oh what she don’t know, don’t hurt her
But she don’t know, what hurt her
That I don’t wanna hurt her
Even though I fight

Sometimes, I still wake up
Forget I’m living my life without you
But she’s here, and I love her
So why am I still thinking ’bout you
Maybe moving on ain’t the same as letting go
But that’s One Thing She’ll Never Know

Sometimes, I still wake up
Forget I’m living my life without you
But she’s here, and I love her
So why am I still thinking ’bout you
Maybe moving on ain’t the same as letting go
But that’s One Thing She’ll Never Know
Never know

Songwriters: Andrew Frampton / Joshua Krajcik / Joshua Andrew Krajcik / Julian C Bunetta / Stephan Alan Kipner

 

Are you ready to release the past and move forward unencumbered?

healing journey

Each Person’s Healing Journey Is Unique

There are examples in scripture of people with accelerated healing or conversion experiences. We see the Saul/Paul conversion. There’s the many healing miracles of Jesus Christ. These expedited and intense healing journeys are not designed to make people feel bad whose healing takes years or a lifetime. They aren’t designed to make people feel like if they don’t receive speedy transformation that they lack faith or aren’t good enough. They aren’t there to make us compare and feel less than.

They happen to show the power of God and bring glory to Him. They are there to give clues about the healing process and the elements of it.

I am fully aware that I am going through some kind of intense, expedited healing process. It certainly isn’t normal and it’s not because I’m some kind of perfect spiritual giant. It simply is an opportunity to bring glory to the ONE who is doing this in my life. This is not me. It’s God and for some reason He’s in a hurry with what He wants me to learn.

I have no idea why I got picked for this journey or why God is working His miracles in my life. I only know that I cannot remain silent about what He is doing or what He is teaching me. I can’t speak to what will happen in your life or anyone else’s. My experiences are mine and they are mine to interpret. Yours are yours and are ideally suited to you and your spiritual growth.

Fast But Not So Fast

I had a MAJOR epiphany today about my life and the journey I’ve been on. It might look like I’m healing a bunch in the last 2.5 months from recent tragedies. It might look like everything is falling miraculously into place (which it is to a large degree). But my healing journey has spanned my lifetime.

I’m finally seeing how things that happened as a child set in motion patterns and cycles. My brain/subconscious has weaved together a complex set of life circumstances to bring me to these most recent challenges. My brain has been on a quest to find a solution to a dynamic that perplexed me as a child.

Today, I finally feel like I GET IT. The solution is so abundantly clear to me. In fact what looks like a dismal failure is probably my most glorious success.

I now see what I’ve been doing and how I’ve actually resolved at least two of these major patterns. I think I can FINALLY let them go. Time will tell. But, man, this has been a long, long, road, and what I’ve been seeing and what you’ve been seeing is just a final wrap up of a very long, arduous journey.

So the next time you see someone achieve some big success or create some remarkable quick breakthrough, don’t be so quick to think, “Wow, why do they get off so easy and my challenges take forever?” There’s a lot we don’t see in other people’s lives or even our own lives.

All of it is one big tapestry, weaving together to teach us what we’re here to learn and mold us into the person God knows we can be.

I hope if you gain nothing else from whatever I share it is that God is there for you. He loves you. You matter to Him and He can and will heal your heart in his perfect timing. You don’t have to stay in bitterness and resentment. Surrender to Him and let him work his wonder in your life in a way that is ideally suited to you. Each of us is different and we have our own journeys. May God bless you on yours.

Are you ready to release the past and move forward unencumbered?

collaboration

My Healing Journey

If I look back on who I was 6-7 years ago before I started on a serious path of self-discovery and growth, I was emotionally numb.

I was a leader. I was incredibly successful in my career. In many ways I felt fearless. I was earning a good living. I felt good about who I was, I knew how to be vulnerable in my writing and voice, and had a strong connection to God.

But I was not happy in my marriage. There was no connection there. No passion. No vitality. I had a community of women and colleagues that I leaned on. But in my day to day life “loneliness” is probably the best descriptor for how I felt. I felt like an ox pulling a wagon and dragging a dead ox alongside me. While I made good money it was mismanaged because I had no clear boundaries or communication with my husband on how it was spent.

I, in essence, gave up everything I had going for me in search of the one thing I lacked — a loving, connected relationship with a man I highly respected and would pull his weight alongside me. That is why I married my second husband and why I was so grateful every moment I had him in my life.

Tapping into my femininity has been a huge part of my journey and still is.

Tapping into my emotions has been a big part of it. Energy work helped me learn to identify emotions, discover what they’re telling me and release trapped emotions.

For the last couple months I’ve been in Jennifer Lamprey‘s The Quickening membership. Going through my recent challenges while having this group for support has shifted something important for me.

It now feels safe to express a full range of emotions. I’m not scared of feeling and expressing my emotions anymore. I don’t feel like I have to stay positive all the time or my world will fall apart.

More than ever I’m leading from my feminine qualities and am aligned with my divine purpose. As a result, things are flowing more easily for me and with more abundance.

I’m getting clearer on the values l want to live in. When I’m clear on the values I want to experience, they show up in unexpected ways. Now I have eyes to see and be grateful for them. I see that nothing is lost or denied me when I am clear and acknowledge divine compensation in everything.

Are you ready to release the past and move forward unencumbered?

mentors

Mentors: When the Student Is Ready The Teacher Appears

On October 6, 2015 I posted this to my Facebook wall:

“I’ve taken the hero’s journey enough to know that when you have that unsettled feeling that everything is about to change but you’re groping for clarity in the dark, invariably life sends a mentor. It dawned on me this morning that it’s just about time for the mentor to enter the scene. Wonder who it will be. Excited to see….”

My husband replied “Yoda, I am.”

That was his call sign at work at the time. In retrospect I see now he was that mentor sent to help me let go of the past. Some of that he actively did by coaching me through letting go of my house and property and moving on to a new home and a new life. He also helped me see that while I had adequately grieved my first marriage, I had not grieved the loss of IdeaMarketers.com (the big web site that I’d built my business around and then lost).

It’s ironic that he coached me through letting go when it was the single biggest thing he had trouble doing. His obsession with the past, old hurts, old things, old stories, people who had hurt him, resentment toward the Church, drama, etc made it impossible to build a future together. In the end he taught me the biggest lesson in letting go — forcing me to release him and my mother simultaneously.

No mentor is without their human element. And that’s another thing he gave me the opportunity to experience — loving someone for everything they are. The light and shadows, the support and the challenge, the wisdom and the folly.

I had the opportunity to tell him recently, “You were a gift while I had you, and you’re a gift in letting me go. Thank you.”

I’m very fortunate he did learn to finally let something go. I was not meant to travel that path with him any longer. I’m glad he saw it even though I probably never would have.

I’m thankful for the mentors who helped me transition losing him and my mom. Big shout out to Jennifer Lamprey and Dr John Demartini’s priceless book The Breakthrough Experience.”

God has always been so generous to send me the right people at the right time with the right message. Cheers to the mentors!

Are you ready to release the past and move forward unencumbered?