Would you prefer a deep, rich romantic connection? Or are you satisfied with a more surface relationship? If you’re someone who longs to connect with your companion on multiple levels (spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual and chemical), read on…
I believe that no experience is wasted if we can learn something from it, and especially if we can take what we’ve learned and use it to help others.
In my rocky road of relationships, I’ve had lots of experiences, many of which I couldn’t really understand or explain what happened. I just knew they didn’t work. Oh, I had some guesses, but not full understanding. Relationships are complex, and it’s rarely just one thing that goes wrong. It’s often a whole suite of things.
As I’m with a completely different type of man than I’ve ever been with before, I can’t help but use this experience to draw conclusions about what might have been happening in previous relationships.
Perhaps what I’ve gleaned could be of use to someone who has not yet chosen a mate… especially a single person who is a deep thinker. If you’re single and love analyzing situations and personalities, like knowing the why’s of life, and often see patterns in the world around you, this could be helpful to you.
One of the biggest things I’ve heard from men in the past is, “Wow, you really analyze a lot.” I figured this was a nice way of saying, “You’re WAY over-thinking this.” This is probably a true statement many times, but let’s not make a judgement call on that. That’s my personality type that came with me at birth. It’s who I am – a truth seeker, an inquiring mind. There’s not much hope of changing that.
The question to ask is why did I keep selecting men who were NOT deep thinkers? Why did I select men who could only self-examine so far, or only discuss a subject to a certain point (if at all)?
Pools Vs. Oceans
Lets compare conversations and connection in relationships to swimming. Some people are like swimming pools and others are like oceans. The men I’ve chosen in the past were like swimming pools. There was the shallow end, and a deeper end. But once you scoped out the sides and bottom of the pool, that was that. There was no capability of diving any deeper. And, believe me, I want to dive deeper. Give me an ocean of possibilities to swim in.
While swimming in a pool is fun and enjoyable and stable, I’m going to get bored with it in time. Also, the swimming pool guy is going to get tired of me picking at the pool lining trying to see if there’s any more substance below.
So back to that question… WHY did I choose to hang out in pools when I really wanted an ocean of possibility?
Because it was easier. When you are someone whose mind spins nearly every waking moment, it is helpful to have someone you can just veg out with, turn off your brain, and do something rather routine. You know you can’t talk about the work you do or the deeper thoughts with them, so you shut off that side of yourself and get a nice relaxing vacation from the intensity of who you are. You focus on the areas you do connect — often physical or chemical.
Another reason I entered relationships with these men is it felt safer. Pools are safer than oceans of unknown possibilities. There’s no hard conversations, no exploration of hard topics with these men. When you delve into the world of hard conversations, there’s more likelihood some contention could arise. I’ve never been one for contention. It’s easier to glaze over hard subjects, stick my head in the sand, and hope tough issues go away.
The problem is they don’t go away. And when a person like me has no real connection on an intellectual or spiritual level, there is a problem. While the pool guy and I might have an emotional or physical connection, my intellect and spirit has nowhere to connect with this person. I do my best to adapt, but in time, this disconnect erodes the relationship. Chemistry and physical connection can only go so far.
I look at the various aspects of a relationships like pistons in an engine. You’ve got these relationship pistons:
I’ve found that when my relationships aren’t firing on all pistons, I start distancing myself from my partner. I shut down parts of myself because there is nowhere for that energy to go. The result is feeling down or even depressed. Eventually, I reroute the energy into other relationships — like talking to girlfriends, clients, writing, speaking, etc. In the end, I’ll constantly go to my friends when I want to talk instead of going to my spouse.
In my second marriage, I was determined not to do this. I focused on connecting in all areas. I kept talking to my husband about these various subjects. In the end, he couldn’t take it anymore. His only explanation at parting was, “You’re so smart, I don’t get what you do.” In other words, I was sending out way too much energy and information, flooding his engine in areas that simply didn’t have the capacity to handle my intensity.
I’m sure there is some way to strike a balance in relationships that aren’t matched in all areas. There are millions of couples who have happy marriages who do not connect on all levels. I’m not advising anyone to toss their relationship out the window, but if I had it all to do over again from the beginning (which fortunately I do) I would recommend looking for someone who is equally matched in each of these areas.
Thank heavens, I’ve finally found a man with oceans of possibilities in all these areas. I look forward to swimming in deep waters from here to eternity. I hope I can keep up!