Music

Healing My Heart Through Music

dream is at your door

When The Dream Is At Your Door

What do you do when your dream is at your door,
and you’re not sure you want it anymore?

I’ve had a big dream I co-created with God several years ago. It felt incredibly inspired and drove me forward to do a lot of things that were completely outside my comfort zone. Almost all the steps I’ve taken over the last 7 years have been about becoming the person who could achieve that dream. One of the things it entailed was developing my property into a retreat location.

Along the way, I had to let go of the main parcel of my property. In the process, I let the dream die along with it. I went through loss after loss after loss until I came to a place of simplicity… where I am no longer attached to things. As long as I have access to a piano a few days/week, a computer with internet connection, and food and comfortable shelter for my son and me, I’m good.

At this point of simplicity, God has decided to escalate materializing my dream in a way that is really quite miraculous. It’s moving so fast, I’ve had moments when I’ve wondered if I have any say in the matter. I asked God once, “Do I get a choice here?” The answer was, “You had the choice when you set this in motion. I’m just delivering what you asked. But, yes, you ALWAYS have a choice.”

I have felt so many mixed emotions – awe, wonder, and yes a little bit of confusion about God’s ironic timing, and trepidation. Why now when I honestly don’t care anymore? Just asking the question feels ungrateful, but it is a question I feel compelled to ask.

Finally, a friend sliced through it all and gave me some excellent advice. She asked me to decide if I still want the dream. I don’t have to accept it. I can choose another path. I still have choice.

When I stepped back and looked at the two paths set before me, I looked at them with new eyes. I let go of “having” to accept it just because I’d asked for it. I started asking myself what I really do want.

I’m not the same person I was when I crafted the dream. I’ve changed internally where I’m more concerned about who I’m becoming as a person, how I’m showing up and serving than about material possessions or land.

A new question for evaluating the situation came to mind, “Will this path help me become who I want to become? Will it help me serve in a way that God is calling me to serve?”

As I asked myself this question, the answer was an obvious YES. I could see that stepping forward into this God-orchestrated path means immense emotional and spiritual growth. My resistance to the path was more about me being afraid I wasn’t up for the path than that I didn’t want to be the person the path required.

I’m being handed a choice between stepping up, taking the road less traveled, the challenging path that leads to exquisite joy OR choosing the safe, easy path that lets me play it safe and live in the land of ordinary.

Safe path. Hmmm… ironically I’ve learned that the “safe” path is not safe at all. I think I’ll try the gutsy one instead…

The Way by Fastball

Lyrics to “The Way” by Fastball

They made up their minds
And they started packing
They left before the sun came up that day
An exit to eternal summer slacking
But where were they going without ever
Knowing the way?

They drank up the wine
And they got to talking
They now had more important things to say
And when the car broke down they started walking
Where were they going without ever
Knowing the way?

[Chorus:]
Anyone can see the road that they walk on
Is paved in gold
And it’s always summer
They’ll never get cold
They’ll never get hungry
They’ll never get old and grey
You can see their shadows wandering off somewhere
They won’t make it home
But they really don’t care
They wanted the highway
They’re happier there today, today

Their children woke up
And they couldn’t find them
They left before the sun came up that day
They just drove off and left it all behind ’em
But where were they going without ever
Knowing the way?

[Chorus]

dating again

Dating Again: The Way He Makes Me Feel

I’m dating a poet and so it brings out the poet in me. Here’s a fun one I whipped up this morning.

He makes me laugh.
He makes me feel.
He makes me think.
He makes me reel.

He makes me grateful.
He makes me talk.
He makes me thoughtful.
He makes me walk

Through fields of weeds
Up to my knees
Where chiggers bite
Leaving swollen sites.

Pock-marked I dance into the night
With the man who shares his light.

Makes me think of a song from Barbra Striesand’s Yentl“The Way He Makes Me Feel.”

Featured Photo: Copyright JacobLund / BigStockPhoto.com

suddenly

Suddenly Life Has New Meaning to Me

I just remembered that Monday would have been my two year wedding anniversary. I didn’t think of it or the man at all. I think that’s a good sign that my healing is substantially complete and I’m on to brighter days.

Most likely it happened because I’m dating a man who completely obliterates all other men from my memory.

While looking up music today, I ran across this beautiful rendition of this 80’s favorite, Billy Ocean’s, “Suddenly.”

Seems to fit this relationship that came out of nowhere when I least expected it.

Lyrics to Billy Ocean’s Suddenly

I used to think that love was just a fairy tale
Until that first hello until that first smile
But if I had to do it all again I wouldn’t change a thing
Cause this love is everlasting

Suddenly life has new meaning to me
There’s beauty up above and things we never take notice of
You wake up suddenly you’re in love

Girl you’re everything a man could want and more
One thousand words are not enough to say what I feel inside
Holding hands as we walk along the shore
Never felt like this before now you’re all I’m living for

Each day I pray this love affair would last forever

There’s beauty up above and things you never take notice of
You wake and suddenly you’re in love

Written by Maurice Ernest Gibb, Robin Hugh Gibb, Barry Alan Gibb

 

Featured Photo Copyright: Marta_Photo/BigStockPhoto.com

rainy afternoon piano

Rainy Afternoon in Daisy – Piano Solo

I visited my father in Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee on this rainy afternoon. My piano is still at his house, so I sat down to play as the rain pattered outside.

My life is making big changes and lots of emotions come up as a result. One of my favorite and most effective ways to process emotions is through extemporaneous piano playing.

This piece is one I made up as I sat down to play on my circa 1915 upright piano. You can see my dad pacing in the background.

dancing in the waffle house

Dancing in the Waffle House at Midnight

I’m sitting here working and listening to Ed Sheeran’s “The Shape of You.” My mind goes back a few weeks to a late night when the only place open in Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee for a bite to eat and somewhere to talk was Waffle House.

The man who had already begun to win my heart sat across from me when this song came on the jukebox. He rose to his feet, smiled, and extended his hand. We danced with a humored waitress and a couple other patrons to witness the scene.

For me, this moment will be burned in my memory as the first night he swept me off my feet, but certainly not the last.

composing music

Traveling Light Day 18: Composing Music

I had a dream just before waking this morning. There was a melody playing. A man was standing beside me whom I had a loving connection with. I don’t know him, but I do know who he represents (I’ll explain that in the backstory section below).

The man pointed to a piece of paper on which were typed four lines of lyrics. I didn’t have time to really read a couple phrases before I awakened abruptly.

I immediately hopped up from bed for a pen and paper. As I went to write, the only thing that lingered were a few words and the melody.

I jotted down the words I could remember and turned on my phone’s voice recorder to capture the melody. Even though the lyrics weren’t there, I started writing. Within about 30 minutes I had almost the whole song written.

I had to take a break to do a leadership meeting, but the entire song came together within about an hour.

I’ve had lyrics come to me before while I’m awake or dreaming. At other times I’ll have a melody come in a dream. But I’ve never had words and music come simultaneously.

The song is a man and woman duet called, “You Were The Dream.” I recorded an a cappella version of me singing it and typed the words and sent both  to my cousin Jody. I have picked out the melody on the piano, and I know it’s the key of G, but I think it would sound better accompanied on the guitar.

The Backstory

Back in 2010 I caught the vision of the ideal companion for me. I wasn’t sure if my husband at the time would be that person or whether someone new would come into my life.

I began what I called my S.A.M. experiment (Spot A Mercy). Unknowingly, these were my first attempts at being aware of the Divine Law of Compensation. I had a list of things my “SAM” would do and how he would treat me. Whenever someone did something on the list or something happened that met one of those items, I’d document it. I kept a journal of how these things showed up in my life.

Eventually my first marriage ended, and I began a quest to find my real live SAM. When I finally found someone I thought was him, it didn’t work out.  I fell hard for this man and I honestly gave up on my quest for SAM when he broke my heart.

I told God, “You pick. I obviously don’t know what I’m looking for or what’s good for me.” Then my second husband came along. I never felt for certain he was SAM and at that point I didn’t worry a lot about whether he was or not.

I felt Sam was a figment of my imagination. No man could be this Sam. So I gave up and decided to be satisfied with whomever God wanted to bring. My last husband did have a lot of SAM qualities and he had other good qualities I never thought to ask for. When I prayed about marrying him, I got what I felt was a clear answer to do so. I did, and of course, that all ended mysteriously 18 months after we were married.

The song is about my “Sam”… about living for him, giving up on him, and him returning to my life in physical form. The man beside me in the dream was Sam, and the lyrics he gave me were his words to me, assuring me he is still out there and on his way.

When I’m home I’ll have Jody play the guitar and sing it with me. I would really like to record a CD at some point. Jody has a recording studio and does a great job with music.

If I do a CD, I have a start on the lyrics for three other songs and one of them is set to the melody of a popular hymn. The other two need to be tweaked and set to music.

Music Is the Gift in the Tragedy

Had my mother not died simultaneously with my husband’s rejection, I would not have had the opportunity to dive into music like I have. I went to stay with my dad to help him through the transition and, ended up living there. My cousin Jody lives down the road from my dad so he started inviting Daddy and me to do music with him a couple evenings each week.

Jody has opened up a whole new world of music for me, teaching me a lot about creative expression. I had only played whatever notes were in front of me until about 4 years ago. After my first divorce, I started playing the piano extemporaneously. Then, during the three short months after my mother’s death, I learned to play chords, sing in public, and gleaned ideas for writing lyrics and music. It’s been a priceless experience.

I have always wanted to be able to feel comfortable singing a solo and composing music. It wasn’t something I ever told anyone, just a longing of my heart which I figured I didn’t have the creativity to explore. Had I not been forced out of my nest, I never would have realized I had wings to fly musically. I might have died with the music still inside me.

In this video (which is Day 42 of the Light the World: Build the Kingdom 90 Day Challenge), I sing the song I wrote today and talk about how it’s a fulfillment of one of my hearts’ desires.

heart music

Traveling Light Days 8-10: Music & Memories

josh and talayna

My son Joshua and his fiance Talayna

The last few days have been filled with music, creating memories, and recalling memories. I’ve been staying at the Ropp’s (my soon-to-be-daughter-in-law’s family’s house) since Sunday night.

We had a cookout Monday night. My boys and their father came (Nate and Elijah have been staying with him during the trip). Of course, Talayna’s family was there as well as Josh’s best friend  with his wife and little girl. I enjoyed being with everyone and getting to know the Ropp’s a little better.

They have been very hospitable and kind … just really good, caring people.

Memories

Wednesday I was sitting in the Ropp’s kitchen with Joshua and Talayna, and a memory flashed into my mind. I saw Joshua as a 5-year-old cutie pie holding my hand as we walk out of the house to run errands.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Something told me to press the record button in my brain so I would always remember my little errand buddy.

I really should press that record button more often. Do you ever do that? Do you have that mechanism in your mind that stores ordinary moments as extraordinary ones?

Music

When I wasn’t working on preparing for my Saturday classes in North Salt Lake or spending time with family, I was playing music.

Talayna’s grandmother is a piano teacher. She’s actually a lot more than that. She once owned a thriving conservatory and one of her conservatory grand pianos sets in their living room. I’ve really enjoyed playing it. It has a wonderful sound and touch.

Here are a couple videos I made. The first is “Danny Boy.” I’ve been working on my chords. The sheet music for this is just the single note melody so I’m integrating my own chords around it. This was one of my mother’s favorite songs, so it is for her.

The second is “To Make You Feel My Love.” I was practicing my vocals, and the piano comes through so loud on the recording that I kept the chords for the piano simple. I really need to invest in a lapel mic for my phone.

no baggage required

No Baggage Required: Traveling Lite

I love this song about leaving the past behind and venturing out into the unknown, rebuilding your life with a clean slate. I don’t know where God is charting my course, but I know wherever I’m going, no baggage is required. God has put me on a speed course of letting everything go — emotionally and physically.

Traveling light feels good. It feels liberating.

 

Lyrics for Lost at Sea by Josh Krajcik

No time to waste, leave it all behind
No time for pretending, open your eyes
We’ll take our chances, get lost at sea
I won’t care girl cause it’s you and me, you and me

Strike a match and let it spark
We’ll bring a light into the dark
Pick up the pieces of this heart
And bring a light into the dark

We stop and we start, it’s all we know
Take what’s left of each moment, and never let go
We’ll take our chances, get lost at sea
I won’t care girl cause it’s you and me, girl you and me

Strike a match and let it spark
We’ll bring a light into the dark
Pick up the pieces of this heart
And bring a light into the dark

Strike a match and let it spark
We’ll bring a light into the dark
Pick up the pieces of this heart
And bring a light into the dark

No time to waste, Leave it all behind

Writer(s): Joshua Andrew Krajcik, Joel Laslett Pott, Steve Robson

Are you ready to leave it all behind and chart a new course for your life? Let’s talk… click here.

letting go

Moving On Isn’t The Same As Letting Go

If you’re in a relationship with someone new and you’re still hanging onto someone from your past, don’t think it won’t bleed through and kill the relationship you’re in. Letting go is critical, and moving on isn’t letting go.

I was listening to this song today, and it hit home. It verbalizes one of the key reasons for my marriage ending. If you want to have a happy relationship, you have to let those old flames go — even the ones you despise. One of THE best ways to do that is to read Dr. John Demartini’s “The Breakthrough Experience.”

Are you ready to release the past and move forward unencumbered?

One Thing She’ll Never Know

Josh Krajcik

She knows how to make me happy, how to make me laugh
She knows that she’s my future
She knows about my past
She knows when I’m weak
I’ll never ask for help
She knows what I believe in, even though I doubt myself
And when she asks, I always tell the truth
Except when it comes to you
Even though I fight it

Sometimes, I still wake up
Forget I’m living my life without you
But she’s here, and I love her
So why am I still thinking bout you
Maybe moving on ain’t the same as letting go
But that’s One Thing She’ll Never Know
She knows I’m far from perfect

She knows I’m proud
She knows when something’s wrong
Even if she don’t say it out loud
Knows that I’m faithful
Knows I don’t lie
But you wanna keep a good woman
Some things you gotta hide
And when she asks, I always tell the truth
Except when it comes to you
Even though I fight it

Sometimes, I still wake up
Forget I’m living my life without you
But she’s here, and I love her
So why am I still thinking ’bout you
Maybe moving on ain’t the same as letting go
But that’s One Thing She’ll Never Know

I don’t wanna cause a pain you don’t deserve
So I won’t speak tonight, if it’s gonna take me away from her
Oh what she don’t know, don’t hurt her
But she don’t know, what hurt her
That I don’t wanna hurt her
Even though I fight

Sometimes, I still wake up
Forget I’m living my life without you
But she’s here, and I love her
So why am I still thinking ’bout you
Maybe moving on ain’t the same as letting go
But that’s One Thing She’ll Never Know

Sometimes, I still wake up
Forget I’m living my life without you
But she’s here, and I love her
So why am I still thinking ’bout you
Maybe moving on ain’t the same as letting go
But that’s One Thing She’ll Never Know
Never know

Songwriters: Andrew Frampton / Joshua Krajcik / Joshua Andrew Krajcik / Julian C Bunetta / Stephan Alan Kipner

 

Are you ready to release the past and move forward unencumbered?

heart music

Law of Attraction or Heart Music?

Have you noticed patterns to your life… similar challenges or even blessings that crop up repeatedly starting in childhood? Popular opinion is that we’re repeating patterns, attracting circumstances until we learn the spiritual lessons from them and they can pass on, and we move to the next set of lessons.

What if, instead of being controlled by the law of attraction and our dominant thoughts our lives are orchestrated around themes. These themes are the songs you came here to sing — your heart music. These patterns appear not because we’re attracting or creating them, but that those themes are why we are here.

Some themes that crop up repeatedly through my life include music, integrity, freedom, family, communication, vulnerability, authenticity, connection, friendship, collaboration, community, love, inspiration, spirituality, clarity, understanding, creativity, trust, respect, responsiveness, acknowledgement, etc.

My challenges generally fall in these areas and my greatest blessings fall in these areas. What if I’m not “attracting” anything good or bad? These are simply the songs I came here to play with all their major and minor chords, with their harmonies and dissonances.

The people who are in my life are here to collaborate on the music and give me lots of opportunities to practice. Some of those songs are sad songs, love songs, ballads, dance tunes or inspirational praise.

There is a time and a season for every song under heaven. A sad song is no less beautiful in its own way than a hymn of praise.