My last post was a vulnerable leap for me. There are some people who think I’m rushing into dating too fast after what I’ve been through. I get “be careful’s” and cautions.
Reaching a Point of Acceptance
I honestly had no intention of moving into another relationship for another 2-3 years. I had reached a place where I felt content with myself, and could see the compensating blessings all around me. I had this amazing feeling June 29th that I had everything I needed and would always have everything I needed — whether I ever had another romantic relationship or not.
The law of compensating blessings taught me this. Nothing is ever created or destroyed. When we “lose” anything or anyone, all the characteristics we value are brought to us in another form and usually from multiple places. Nothing is lost. When we finally gratefully see that we have everything we need, we open ourselves up to receiving our heart’s desires.
While I was content where I was, God seemed to have very different plans. I have never had anything in my life feel so divinely orchestrated than the events of the last few months.
The Last Remnants of Grief
As I’ve moved forward in this new relationship, I have swung between really embracing the relationship to feeling like I need to maintain a level of skepticism.
Today, during an energy session with Christie Turley Diamond (TheHealingCoach), she was able to articulate why I’m in this connect-disconnect dance.
She verified that I’ve worked through an immense amount of grief. There remained only one small thing — a nagging question. “Why did my last relationship have to go to the level of betrayal that it did? Had I been more aware, could I have avoided the deep betrayal?” (Betrayal in this instance being denial of love … not an affair that I know of.)
Because “betrayal without explanation” was hanging out there, I’ve felt the need to be hyper vigilant, ask the tough questions, and look at the upsides and downsides of everything. Seems like a smart thing to do – right? I’ll be honest though, it sucks some of the joy out of falling in love, but at least I feel like I’m keeping my head on straight.
A Healthy Realism
There are so many wonderful things about the man I’m dating, I could gush on and on about him. But I know when I do that, people are going to say, “You’re rebounding. You’re infatuated and seeing what you want to see and not looking at all aspects.”
But I am looking at all aspects. I’m seeking out the shadows and the challenges, making sure I’m seeing realistically. This realistic and balanced perspective is the elixir I returned with after going through The Breakthrough Experience and healing from the simultaneous blows of a divorce and my mother’s death.
God sent me on a speed course of healing and now I’m beginning to understand why.
Duality: Blessings and Challenges
As I get to know this man, I realize that some of the things that I love best about him can be challenges. I love that he is talkative, animated and passionate about life. I love that he can bring me out of my introversion. Yet, sometimes that is a challenge for me as an introvert.
Sometimes I have a deep need to disconnect and process. But, this challenge of conversation is WORTH IT. It pays incredible dividends I’ve never enjoyed with anyone else. Those dividends include deep connection, honesty, vulnerability, understanding and trust.
I have always wanted a deep connection with a partner. This “challenge” is part of what makes it possible. Depth of connection is worth the corresponding challenge. It’s similar to how everything I went through this year was worth it to come to a deeper understanding of compensating blessings and divine love.
Owning My Depth
I’m finally owning that I’m an incredibly deep person, and that I can never reach the full measure of my creation with someone who cannot go to those depths with me. Christi put it this way today,
“You have a deeper level of understanding than most people. It’s like most people go 5 levels deep and you go 15-20 levels. The men you’ve been with before can only go about 5 levels. The Lord is providing someone who can go 15-20 levels with you because you’ll now show the world how to do that with another person. The Lord will provide a way for that to be… so you are equally matched.
The more you reveal those levels, the more influence you will be able to have in the world. The books you’ve written are great and wonderful. Now that you have the masculine support and give yourself permission to go 15-20 levels, your writing will show the depth. Your influence will be higher and greater. The numbers of people you impact will be greater.”
There is a law of opposition, or polarity at work in the world. Everything we highly value has a corresponding challenge. Most of us only see with one-sided glasses. I’m finding it’s best to realistically see both sides and then I can easily decide if the blessing is worth the challenge. In everything I’ve seen so far with this man, the benefits are worth the corresponding challenges.
