People tell me I should look on the bright side. That I’m better off without him. That he isn’t the one who is supposed to travel the next section of my life with me. Yes, I get that. I “know” a lot of things. I know I will forgive and move past this to a better place. I know I’m not alone.
But, at present, I feel a lot of hurt, anger, confusion and frustration. I’m really trying not to stuff those or let them rule my life. And I trust that one day soon I will let them go and be able to permanently release them.
But stuffing them somewhere and pretending that it’s all okay is not going to serve me or my body. That’s how people get sick. There’s a book called “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.” And that is so true. Feelings have to be acknowledged, processed and released.
When everything is raw and real, what I KNOW and what I FEEL are two different things. I already realize I’m better off. I have a good idea about the big picture and why it had to be this way.
It’s just processing the loss of someone I loved completely (who turned on me like a cold, calculating cucumber) is harder than processing my mom’s passing. I can look back with fond memories on my mom and cry and feel all the feelings.
With the other situation I do not want to remember anything. And when I do, every sweet memory now becomes tainted and suspect. Or it hurts too bad to even remember it.
I swing back and forth between hurt and anger to forgiveness and releasing. Sometimes I even feel sorry for him and wish him well. But absorbing the memories, knowing where to put them… I just don’t know what to do with those. So I don’t look at them. The last 2 years feel like they’ve been stolen from me because I don’t know how to review or file those memories.
This is where I am today… when the wound is still bleeding. I’m sure it will change next week, next month, next year and beyond. I’m sure this won’t matter a bit to me with time. But right now it hurts.
And I can tell you one thing, I won’t ever be so quick to tell someone who is suffering to think positive or that everything’s going to be all right or offer some sugar-coated platitude. I realize now how naive I’ve been and how much I really didn’t understand what other people were going through.
This new level of empathy is the gift I will take with me and I hope it will help me be more kind, loving and compassionate to those around me.
