I had an experience last night where all the love I have for my husband came flooding back. It’s like my love for him is stored in the cells of my body and my whole body had this big wail of a cry. It was one of the most intense emotional-physical experiences of my life and led to some phenomenal release of love and emotions I didn’t even realize were still there, unprocessed.
It makes sense the love is still there. It doesn’t just go away because the other person says they don’t love you anymore. Even if you know it is going to work out better for you in the end, the love doesn’t just disappear because you work through the logic of everything being all right.
Since I’ve worked through the pros and cons of the relationship and come to a place where I can see it realistically and with gratitude for him and all of the experience, what happened last night was not left over infatuation. It was divine love remaining in me. It’s hard to put it into words. It didn’t leave me longing to be with him or putting him on any kind of pedestal.
It was just genuine love as well as grieving for the love we once shared. At first I found myself praying for God to take away this love. Yet, there is a part of me that doesn’t want to let the love go. I want to hang onto it because it’s a deeper love than I’ve ever had for any man. It was a major accomplishment for me to open myself up fully to love this way — with all my heart, body and soul.
I’m frankly quite proud of myself for being able to love so deeply. So today I’m celebrating the ability to love. I’m sure this love for him will fade with time or transform into something different, as it should. But it’s wonderful knowing the depth of love I am capable of experiencing. I have a lot to give the right man who is capable of receiving and loving fully.
How Deep Is Your Love?
I hope that when and if the time comes for me to give my heart to another man, I will be able to know like the old Bee Gee’s song says, “How Deep Is Your Love?” Hopefully the next man I give my heart to can go past the honeymoon stage and engage in a love that lasts through good times and bad. Hopefully, that man will have the depth, loyalty and commitment that a good marriage requires. I know I have it in me. I just need to meet my match.
