I woke up this morning with an interesting insight into my marriage that relates to the music I've been playing with my family since my mother's death.

My dad, cousin Jody and I have been playing music together. My dad plays the harmonica. My cousin Jody plays the guitar and sings, and I sing along. I've spent my life playing the piano while people sang or played another instrument such as the flute. So I never really understood the dynamics of playing with other instruments -- especially instruments with limited key ranges.

For example, I've learned that harmonicas come in specific keys. My dad has G, C, A, D, and F harmonicas. He usually carries his G around in his pocket because most of the songs we sing and play are in G. It's a good key for the guitar and it's in my singing range.  If we come upon a song in another key that Daddy wants to play, Jody will often transpose it into G on his guitar.

But sometimes a song is hard to transpose and Jody will say, "Jack, you need to bring your other harmonicas with you." But my dad usually forgets and won't bring more than a couple of his harmonicas.

If my dad tries to play along with a song that isn't in the key of his harmonica, it sounds horrible. We know immediately, he's got an inharmonious harmonica.  There's nothing wrong with his harmonica and there's nothing wrong with my dad's playing. It's simply the wrong key for the song. He's got a harmonica incapable of going to the notes that need to be played for the song.

Marriage and Music

So, here's where I'm going with this. It occurred to me this morning that relationships can often be like playing a song with other people. We all have our favorite key signatures. I sing really well in G and my dad loves his G harmonica. So as long as Jody can get the song into G on his guitar, we can harmonize.

We have so much fun. With a little practice we can make some beautiful music together.

But if a song is written in a complex set of chords or changes keys throughout, the guitar is not going to be the best instrument for playing the song. A piano, with it's full spread of 88 keys can play any song out there.

I have always had a wide range of interests in life. I love to study a sweeping variety of things from deep spiritual concepts to psychology to technology to writing and music.

In many ways it's like I'm playing a piano with 88 keys. I'm spanning the keyboard with music. Yes I have my favorite keys but I'm not limited to a few chords and because I read music, I can eventually play anything fairly well with practice.

Let's say my husband showed up to the marriage with G and C harmonicas, we sounded great together as long as I stayed in the key of G or C on my piano.

But heaven help him, if I start playing in Em or Bb. He would feel like he's doing something wrong, can't keep up, or is inadequate. Or maybe he would feel like I was playing the wrong notes and that I was out of key.

The truth is neither of us were doing anything "wrong."  We just weren't in the same key. There were many times in the marriage where I could see we weren't on the same key, so I'd transpose to match him.

I can be quite a chameleon if I need to be. I don't feel it's being deceptive. It's just adapting to meet someone where they are and harmonize with them in the key they're playing. 

Even with adapting, I'm not going to be satisfied limiting my keys forever. He might walk in the door one day and find me playing in a completely different key that he's never played. 

Perhaps this is why I felt comfortable in the marriage when he did not. I was happy to adapt and find the harmonizing keys where he simply didn't know how.  I also realize there are some songs that take a LOT of practice for me to get good at. For example, if there are a lot of sharps, it's going to take me a while. So there were keys he was good at that I was not. But I do love to learn and if someone is patient enough, I will eventually be able to do a half-decent job or at least be able to relate to them.

We both lacked a clear understanding of the relationship dynamic between us. Our communication obviously wasn't there. Instead of communicating the difference, I'd just adapt my key signature. Perhaps he was scrambling to keep up and suffering in silence. Or maybe my pathetic attempts to match him on difficult notes were too annoying.

Had I fully understood what was happening, I would have been happy to talk out the situation with him. I would have been happy to find a way to work things out and find the common notes. But, he was too frustrated. He threw down his instruments and kicked me out the door.

It's  helping me see I need to pay closer attention to the times when I'm adapting to another person's key and perhaps communicate better that that is what I'm doing. Or, at the least, if I ever enter another relationship, I need to find someone who isn't intimidated by the keyboard I love to play.