In my last post about Fundamental Wellbeing I talked about people who have managed to quiet the narrative voice in their heads that spins stories, creates negative and judgmental thoughts about themselves and others, and self-sabotages progress.

The reason I’ve begun studying this concept is because I’ve wanted to be in a greater state of love and acceptance of people. I want to let go of the ineffective “mind reading” that “we all suck at” (as my husband Dave often says).

This quest was spurred on by some relationship conflicts I’ve encountered in the last couple years. It’s been an interesting shift because all my life I just assumed people liked me and they seemed to. But recently, that has changed and it’s been a disconcerting dynamic. If other people are critical of me or don’t like me for whatever reason, I’ve let that hurt me and make me frustrated. I’ve felt misunderstood, maligned, and rejected. I keep thinking that I should stop worrying about what other people think. But that often feels selfish. Shouldn’t we care about what other people think? After all, do we want to go around upsetting people? Is that loving?

Obviously, it isn’t good to intentionally harm people, but most of the time people get offended or upset with us because of miscommunication, misunderstandings, or simply because we can’t think of every possible thing that could offend others. Sometimes I get in a hurry and say something without looking at it from every angle. I believe most of us are just trying to do the best we can, but our best isn’t going to please everyone.

Yesterday morning, while pondering and praying, an epiphany came:

The key to love is not caring about what other people think. What they think is not them. The chatter… the narrative voices in our heads have nothing to do with who we are. We are eternal beings, and who we are is much deeper than all the stories we weave in our minds or the worrying, negativity, or critical thoughts, programs and conditioning we’ve developed over the years.

None of that stuff is real.

So the key to loving others is to see them as who they truly are as children of God beyond the mind chatter, conditioning and stories. That begins by seeing ourselves as something beyond the noise in our own heads (the narrative voice).

That’s why Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Silencing the narrative voice is the first step. This allows us to let go of our own stories, conditioning and negativity … or that “beam that is in our own eye”… so we can see clearly to realize the “mote” (or splinter) in our neighbor’s eye isn’t them either. We can see them as eternal beings, apart from the noise they have going on in their heads.
So this is why the key to love is not to care what anyone thinks… including ourselves.

The Bird Egg and the Narrative Voice

This morning a symbol in nature came to mind of a bird egg. The shell is something the bird has to break through on its own. If you come in and pick the shell off, you stunt the bird’s development. It can even die. The shell in this analogy is like the narrative voice. It is frustrating because it is a barrier between us and the world. It blocks the love inside us from circulating freely to ourselves and to others. It isolates us, and obstructs our connection with nature and others.

And yet, the shell serves a purpose. It gives us a reason to struggle, reach and stretch for something higher. It makes us grow. As we encounter relationship challenges and other setbacks in life caused by this self-sabotaging voice, we are incentivized to seek higher understanding. In this process of struggling and seeking, we are given the opportunity to grow.

Thus, the people we encounter who misunderstand, criticize, hurt, or judge us are actually a gift. They too are like the shell on the chicken egg – an invitation to work, stretch and grow. But ultimately, it isn’t them that is the problem. Our own narrative voice is what is letting us be hurt by what others think, say or do.

Featured Image Copyright: gorchittza2012 / BigStockPhoto.com

Bird hatching Image Copyright: Near and Far / BigStockPhoto.com