How is your relationship communication? I’ve discovered that communication can make or break a relationship.
When Dave and I first met, I was fresh out of a divorce, and he had been single for years. I was in no mood to rush into another relationship. He had dated enough to be very cautious – especially about me being newly divorced. In many ways our courtship felt like us putting each other through an intense interview process. He asked lots of tough questions and invited me to do the same.
Introvert – Extrovert Relationship
After talking for a month online via video chat, we began spending lots of time together in person. He actually moved to Georgia to date me. With Dave being an extrovert and me being an introvert, our dynamic could prove taxing for both of us at times. He perceived me as disconnecting from him when I’d go off in my own head or need time alone.
The intense conversations that pulled out how I thought and felt about every little thing challenged my communication abilities. I never realized how much I feel but never articulate in words. I had never had a decent level of communication with any man, and here this guy came along who wanted to know my every thought and feeling.
Hard Conversations Pay Off
There were times I wondered why I was putting myself through such a difficult process. But in time, I learned that we gained greater understanding, trust, and love on the other side of those hard conversations. In my prior relationships, we let things build up until the situation became unbearable and had to be addressed. Here was a man who nipped everything in the bud and addressed things when there was the least thing feeling “off.” In the process of dating him, Dave taught me how to communicate.
Because I was willing to walk away from the relationship if need be, I was willing to be completely honest and voice my thoughts and feelings. Each of us got our feelings hurt every now and then, but we worked through it to a place of understanding.
There came a time when Dave and I knew we were heading toward something serious, and we both began praying about our relationship. Dave’s answer was that our relationship would be a lot of work, but that it would be worth it. I didn’t like the sound of that.
Aren’t well-matched relationships supposed to go smoothly and everything fall into place? I’d learned the hard way that lack of conflict does not equal a happy relationship. Obviously, how I’d done relationships in the past was not functional. I was willing to learn and grow, even if doing so meant expanding outside my comfort zone.
As I began praying about us, I felt God telling me that our relationship could be one of those epoch love stories like “The Notebook.” I asked Dave if he’d ever seen the movie, but he hadn’t. I didn’t have a copy and had only seen it once years earlier.
All I really remembered was the premise … a summer love, separation for years, and then the couple coming back together and how it ended. I didn’t remember anything about the dynamic between the couple or any lines from the movie. I looked for it on Netflix and Hulu but it wasn’t there, so I didn’t think much more of it. I just knew it was a sweet love story and didn’t end up watching it.
About a month ago Dave brought home some movies he’d picked up at McKay’s Used Bookstore and The Notebook was among them. Last night we finally sat down to watch it, and we chuckled at the similarities between our relationship and the couple in the movie. While the circumstances of our meeting and courtship were different, the way the couple interacted made us think of each other.
- Noah’s daring gregarious nature that is so like Dave’s…
- Dancing together in the street… yeah, we do that type of thing…
- Allie’s cautious personality that’s like mine … and how she’s always so concerned about pleasing everyone else that she isn’t sure what she really wants…
- Noah remodeling the house for Allie and how Dave has remodeled my old house…
- Noah’s love for boating on the water by his house and how Dave loves kayaking on the Chickamauga Creek by ours…
- Allie and I both playing the piano and our interest in art…
- Both Noah and Dave’s love for poetry…
There were so many similarities.
I could especially relate to Allie and the way Noah brought out the carefree, uninhibited side of her and made her laugh, play, and enjoy life. I feel like that with Dave.
But the line that made both of our mouths drop with shock happens right after Allie complains that they’ve only been back together for a couple days and already they’re fighting. Noah replies that that’s who they are … that they call each other on their crap and then he says,
“It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard. We’re going to have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever…you and me… every day.”
That’s almost exactly what Dave told me. Early on in our relationship we were talking about how we felt. Dave told me, “I’ve been praying about it and I got the answer that I have to be willing to do the hard work. Because this is going to be hard work, possibly harder than anything you’ve done before.”
At the time, I was kind of upset. I didn’t want to be anyone’s hard work. But then Dave explained that anything great was going to require hard work. And it wasn’t just me that was hard work. It was what we were meant to accomplish together. What we had to do to change the world — that was going to be hard work.
While we don’t yell, scream or curse at one another, we do have some intense, honest conversations. We work to keep the communication open and make each other a priority every single day. We’re willing to confront one another if something isn’t setting right with us. It’s that level of communication that gives me hope that come what may, we can work anything through together.
What about you? Are you willing to have the hard conversations in your relationship? The person who is willing to call you on your crap, stick with you when things are hard, and love all your lights and shadows just might be the love of your life.
